Mary Sues Must Die!
by dk2022
Summary: The Forgotten City never seemed so overcrowded.


Mary Sues Must Die!

Rating: R (here be swearing!)

Author's notes: I got bored in work one day. The night before my siblings had been complaining about the Mary-Sue writers in the fandoms (Tales of Symphonia, FFVII: Advent Children, Sonic, etc), so, randomly, I wrote this for them (because they listened to the rant I had about the fen in my fandoms as I was beating up Lenus from Legend of Dragoon for the third time!). Also, sorry to Harry/Ginny shippers. I have nothing against you personally; I just needed to make a gross overgeneralization. Bad spelling/1337 speak/etc are there for a reason.

This isn't my usual fandom, please remember that before flaming/reviewing... And anon. reviewers will have to go somewhere else, because, "Anonymous Reviews has been disabled." The fine people here are gods.

Anyway, apparently, I'm insane! On with the fic.

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Mary Sues Must Die!

Once upon a time, there was a guy called Kadaj. Hello Kadaj.

"..."

Kadaj?

"..."

Kadaj walked into a wall.

"Hey! Where the hell did that wall come from?"

Kadaj was annoyed ("Who wouldn't be after walking into a wall?"), not just because of the wall I placed in front of him ("That was you?") but also because of the evil writers who wrote self-insertion... fics with him as their "object of affection."

"Lust bunny! I've been called a lust bunny by one person!"

So, thinking he'd have some peace in the Forgotten City - the place with the glowy trees - he went there.

"Wait! How the hell can it be forgotten if half the writing populous is here?"

I'm getting there! However, there was a slight snag in Kadaj's plan. Half the fanfic writing populous were there, foaming at the mouth.

"Kadaj!"

"We love you Kadaj!"

"Come to me my fluffy lust bunny!"

As you can see, these fiction writers were twelve year olds who, most likely, shipped Harry/Ginny.

"Harry! Harry loves Ginny like, oh my god, so much!"

See what I mean? So, not knowing full well what to do, Kadaj mounted his bike ("Hey, my bike!") and decided to cull some fic writers with Souba. "Let's go kill some kids who can't write my character for shit!"

"Kadaj would never swear."

"ZOMG! Lolzor! Kadajikins swore!"

"My poor lust bunny! Let me clean your mouth out with my lust for you!"

Eyes like cat eyes, Kadaj made the engine roar to life. The girls walked to him, love glazing their features. Katana drawn, the lust bunny obsessive was the first to go, with 1337 speak girl next, her fingers stilling. Yet, even after Kadaj destroyed the writers in front of them, they kept coming after him, chapter upon chapter of mindless froth following their cyber wake.

"Oh..." Kadaj growled as the Sues ("They're all called Sue?"

"No, collective noun for them - a Sue of self-insertion... fic writers."

"Oh... Ok.") Kadaj growled as the Sues made it to the perimeter of his personal space.

"Five meters or more! Get the hell away from the bike!"

"Let me touch you!"

"Let me touch you master!" He smirked appreciatively.

Don't think about it Kadaj.

The Sues heads turned every which way.

"Who said that?"

"Who, who?"

"For the love of Kadaj show yourself!"

Kadaj, in the confusion, killed a dozen more, including owl girl and freaky 'twist my head all the way round' girl.

"Where are they all coming from?" he gasped. ("I do not gasp!")

Some stopped dead in their tracks, then disappeared in a flurry of pink feathers and glitter.

"What... the..." Kadaj suddenly turned into Hedy Lamarr ("That's HEDLEY!") for a minute before being pie'd. The girls stopped, then began their squawking wails anew.

"Love me master!"

"Let me have your silver haired babies!"

"Let me have your cat eyed babies!"

"Cats eyes and silver hair are recessive genes."

They blinked, in unison, like in that ep of the Simpsons when Skinner makes the whole school wear uniforms... Well, I think it was Skinner, it might have been Chalmers. Anyway, they blinked, in unison. "Kadaj...?"

"Know biology...?"

"That well?"

"OH MY GOD that is such a great idea! With his amazing biology skills he can make me beautiful!"

"And give me better teeth!"

"And better hair!"

"And make better writers?" a random passing flame added.

One Sue looked at another. "Biol Crazy!Kadaj was my idea!"

"No it wasn't, it was mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

BWMFF!!!

All the Sues exploded in a haze of pink, purple and neon yellow feathers, glitter and hair mascara. In the bone, Sues were selfish twelve year old narcissists who thought they were better than everyone else. The one original thought had killed them all.

Kadaj dusted Souba down. "Great! They're all gone!"

For now. MwahahahahahahahCOUGHCOUGHHACKCHOKECOUGHha.

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See that button? Next to the options box? Go on, you know you wanna click it and feed my craziness!


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